My frustration comes from a place:

My Children. Right-now belong in a better place, and that place is with their father. He is more stable than I am, that’s what I call sacrificial love. There were days when I didn’t have it to give to them, I miss waking up to there foolery in the mornings. My God is sufficient and I believe He will continue to take care of me and them.

People don’t understand my reasoning, but that’s ok I do. I hate depending on people, I hate them throwing things back in my face like whatsoever you have God isn’t the one who gave it to you.

One day all shall see my reasoning, I remember feeling as if my heart was cut into a million pieces. When you love 4 vessels that came out of your womb without anesthesia and people wanna tell you what love or lack thereof you have for them.

There was times my heart bleed, no car, no phone, no money, no place and no cooperation from family. Just cold shoulders and whispers behind close doors. My family did it so why should I expect any different from you, why would I have hope because you name the name of Christ.

When in actuality judgements are here, verdicts are drawn and gavels are slammed stating case closed. Because my need is more prevalent than yours, sacrifice your family once again, whisper and lie once again while you ask for me to uplift and edify you, pray for yours.

When consistently you and your seeds are the ones dividing and conquering mine. But not knowing that all is not as it appears and unless you have walked a day in my shoes, who are you to cast stones.

I have been told to sacrifice when I have sacrificed much this is not the first family but the 4th where I had to continue in this plight.

When will it end?
When I refuse to jump to there rope and dance to the beat of their drum. Invoking a consistent heavenly call.
Truth be told it’s not easy to walk with a Holy God who requires holiness and truth, Selah

Don’t ever pass judgement on those that sacrifice in the name of what’s best.

Example the other day i had provision to see them but in actuality I didn’t wanna do it again 31 days of bliss and then nothing MIA for the next 31 days.

The day will come when I will be able to be consistent and all that pass judgement will eat their words.

For in life there are mountains, valleys and deserts.

Father give me strength to learn and be still and know that you are God.


Open questions

Sometimes I wonder whether or not God cares.
Does He see my situation?
Does He hear my prayers?
Does He hear my heart cry?

Oh! I know my problems don’t matter and they are not of any importance. Because if they are important then I have a lack if faith or I am weak.
Any who I know the Word and my heart is not in the arena of faithlessness. I just have many questions, but it’s without answer, because if I bring it up. I am either complaining or oh! You don’t have faith.

So while The Lord is Silent because I am going through a test. Hope is not in doubt so I rebuke the spirit in Jesus, and keep my mouth shut. Only to open to speak words of life.

Maybe it’s good that I have no one to talk to because then my opinions don’t get thrown in my face. Job asked many questions during His test and I hear people say that he wined and complained too much. Was it the question or the rehearsal of what He was going through. That made people even now judge Him. They didn’t judge Jesus because he kept His mouth shut. Oh! When you do that your are called stuck up! And indifferent or you are judging. Which is so hypocritical since they judging you for being silent.

When praises go up blessings come down, when mis-judgements go forth what happens?

Anyway I am done letting loose



Take A Good Look

Today, while going through the security check point I sat and watched everyone moving like robots unclothing and preparing to go through the scanner. As I watched, I noticed all of these women clothed so pretty with shoes and accessories to match their outfit perfectly. They looked perfect on the outside. but then they took those boots off and almost every single one of them had crazy stuff on their feet, mismatched socks, holy socks;) and the Lord spoke to my spirit and said,” This is why you never compare yourself to others, On the outside they look perfect, but you never see what’s hidden, the confusion and chaos really going on inside their soul and you don’t see the holes in their socks.
Wow! I remember as a teenager having several crushes on you know so called stars. I could tell you their names but even though they don’t know me and I don’t know them it wouldn’t be right, because no one is perfect. I remember having crushes on certain guys in the media and wishing I was certain female entertainer, having word up magazine pictures all over my wall and basically idolizing them. Now that I am older, I see these same individuals through different eyes because many of them are not and don’t look like they did back then. I mean their features are the same their music is the same but as far as their life’s with or with out Christ they don’t appear to me as the same people. That’s why the Bible says man is fickle in His judgement of you but Christ the King never changes His opinion of you.   
Thank you! Lord for being who you are,